Just Intense

Learned a big lesson the past week... my cousin sings about it in her song Trouble Sleeping.

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love
...
Couldn't I blame something else
Don't say I'm falling in love.

I've been there before and I got HURT. Then I let it happen again with the same person. I didn't get hurt this time around, but obviously the situaiton is really different (being that I'm 1000 miles away). Just makes me wonder what is supposed to happen.

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but for the past week all my energy went to her. There is nothing I can do with those feelings down here so I did the last thing I wanted to do and we mutually agreed to stop talking. There is a much bigger situation that I won't get into, but as far as I'm concerned, I couldn't walk around feeling the way I did while knowing she was so far away... and then knowing that even if I were back home, things might not work out anyway. Back to square one again???

Just the thought of square one hurts when you're leaving a relationship, or know that you may already know the person out there for you... but after a little while, being single isn't so bad. I'm trying to get back into the free state of mind I came down here with, even though this past week was very intense... surprisingly intense since she isn't even here.

Today I went to the mall and spent money to cheer myself up. I usually think spending money will help, but it rarely does. Only time helps in these situations. Its not a problem though. I've been trying to think about other things, and I know I'll be fine in a little while. I went and bought myself a few nice shirts for work... (guess who has a meeting with the company CTO this week). We'll be talking about the CTO role, and possible development paths. I'm glad she gave me some time to sit down with her. We may also touch on some diversity issues if time allows. That's right, this is one accomplished and powerful Black woman... I want to learn as much from her as I can.

I want to get involved and stay active. Maybe its the part of me that wants to be distracted from thinking about her, but I considered learning another instrument... I'm leaning toward the violin. I've also started studying for the GMAT, and I'm still thinking about some business ideas. I just don't like coming home and doing nothing, but this area doesn't lend itself to much more. I have people I chill with, but only Friday and Saturday. The rest of the week is pretty damn boring. I try my best to not let work creeep into my personal time, but I've been considering it just so I can keep occupied. (Don't worry, I won't be doing that).

I saw a funny contrast yesterday. At 5PM I was talking to a business vendor at work, just about my story and moving from Jersey to Arkansas. He said, "Its a big move, but its a great company and a great position... this will be great for your career." Leaving work, I was happy about my decision to come here... but no less than an hour later, I'm on the phone with her wishing I was back home. Why can't I have both?

Oh well.

~JL